I’m currently writing this in London, as I am on holiday. I am encouraged to hear that a few people still read my blog (sometimes), although it’s not always worth reading since I don’t seem to update so much. (I have three other blogs because I am mad like that: an Art blog, a “depression” blog, and a private blog for when I am more MAD than usual and nobody needs to see all that) ANYWAY.
Things have changed a lot in the past 8 months. If you’ve not bothered reading the previous previous post, you can read this to be brought up to speed. I’ve settled into church. I help design church flyers sometimes. I am part of a team of 3 people who are involved in designing things. I am part of a bible study group that consists of newcomers. I have moved groups since my last update, since the last one was getting really big, and a new one was opening. Since I was a bit of a newcomer myself back then, it slowly became a better idea to join the new group. I’ve made many good friends whom I can be honest about my struggles in life, as well as in my faith. We can discuss things like struggling to forgive, rejoicing in adversity, and the freedom we have in being confident in our God.
In short, God has really provided for me in the past 8 months. I also have been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist to help treat the depression, and guess what? I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s been a long slog with all the tablets, talking therapy, praying, and even (especially) not praying when I was at my most miserable. Praise the Lord that I am reaching the end of the tunnel – I can even see the light now, and my sleep has been the best I’ve ever had in 3 years. Of course, things still aren’t easy. I still tire quickly, and really should exercise a bit to try and help bring the energy level up a little more.
But there is so much to give thanks for. Now that I’m back in London for a while, it’s been a little overwhelming to see so many friends and to catch up with them in such a short amount of time. I’m quite tired, but happy. It’s been good weather so far, and at least I’m getting some walking in, even though I’m pretty slow now that I’m out of practice (and my bag is heavy because I carry a water bottle wherever I go now – so I stop drinking juice and coke and all that [in theory!!], but I had a coke today anyway. HAH)
I’m so pleased that I don’t wake up dreading the day, and that I enjoy my sleep now. I hope you can join me in prayer and thanksgiving for all these good things. 🙂
However, I do need prayer for other things: I still really struggle with forgiveness, especially past hurts, and I hardly pray, and I hardly read my bible if I can help it. It often leaves me wondering: If the bible is supposed to be so precious to me, why do I not read it more? As a depressed person, perhaps the lack of desire could be explained away.. but not completely. Sin also contributes to laziness and not wanting to do what God wants. Some ways of coping include me making short prayers as and when I remember, or even on the spot/in the moment when someone asks for it. God doesn’t demand prayer as payment for our salvation – I am already saved, and God knows my struggles, so in response to that, I will try, and so what I can do will be enough for God. It is a comforting thought.
At least, when I question the purpose of all this, I can look to the cross, and forward to the new creation, and think that some day, it will all end, and not be like this anymore. No more pain, sadness, or struggle. God does not need us to run to the end; indeed, sometimes all we can do is crawl, or be dragged/carried by others. Ultimately we know that God brings us through all this, and it is not with speed, but with perseverance, that we reach the end.
And there is every confidence that those who are in Christ will make it.